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~*Jokes*~
Here are some jokes for ya
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The Duck
A duck walks into a store & asks do you have any grapes? The man says no I don't have any grapes. Second day same duck same store same question do you have any grapes same answer no I don't have any grapes. Third day same duck, same store, same question, this time the man says if you ask me one more time do I have any grapes I'm going to staple your feet to the floor. Fourth day the duck walks into the store & asks do you have any staples the man say NO I don't have any staples , the duck asks do you have any grapes.
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Blonde & Brunette
A brunette sits beside a railroad clapping & singing "35,35,35!!!!!!" A blonde walks up and says, "What are you doing? " Brunette replies "I'm counting, want to help? " the blonde says "sure" so in unison they clapped and sang "35, 35,35!!!!!!" the brunette says, that would be more fun is if we stood in the middle of the railroad and sang that" the blonde says "that sounds fun! I want to go first" so the blonde stands in the middle of the railroad and starts singing"35,35,35 !!!!!!!) And a train hits her. Than the brunette starts singing"36,36,36 !!!!!!!!!!!)
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3 Women and the Ducks
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.? It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eye-lashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.? The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
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The Killer Wife
A husband discovers that his wife is trying to poison him. He thought they had a good marriage and couldn't figure out why she would do such a thing, so he makes an appointment for her to see a marriage councilor. He arranged an appointment for her the next day at 1:00pm. After waiting hours for a call from the councilor, he calls the councilor's office at 4:30pm. He asked the councilor what he should do about the situation. The councilor replied "After over 3 hours of talking with your wife, my advice to you is to take the poison!"
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Mary The Mental Patient
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
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The Jungle Men
3 men crash land on a isolated island in the south pacific. They survive the crash but are captured by the natives of the island. The chief of the tribe say that they can each live if they can pass one simple test. He asked each of the 3 men to go into the jungle and collect 10 pieces of fruit. John is the first to come back and he brings back 10 apples. The chief tells him if he can insert the 10 pieces of fruit in his butt without making a sound or changing expression he will let him live. John begins to insert the fruit...1...2...3...4...5...on the 6th apple he winces with pain and is duly killed. Pete is the next to return and he has 10 raspberries. He begins to insert the raspberries...1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...he gets to the 9th raspberry and bursts out laughing. He is immediately killed. He meets up with John in heaven and John exclaims "Pete, u idiot! why did u laugh?" Pete is still laughing to himself and replies "I couldn't help it man, i saw Bill coming back with pineapples..."
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The River
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ... and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour,after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence ... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge!!!!
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The Blonde
A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the copilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!" The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm Sorry, " and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Houston."
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Smart women
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. the rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to leave, because otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to name that person, until the woman held a very touching speech. she said that she will voluntarily let go off the rope, because as a woman she is used to give up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. as soon as she finished her speech, all men started clapping their hands........
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aDUH .. stupid Blonde
A red head, Brunette, and a blonde were on the run. They found three potato sacks, and hid in them. Later, when the cops came by, they found the bags, and didn`t want to open them, so they kicked them. When they kicked the red head's bag, it replied, "Meow!!" When they kicked the Brunette's bag, it replied, "Woooof!!" And when they kicked the blonde`s bag, it replied, "Potatoes!"
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